Today is beautiful; I had not seen a day like this in a very long time. It is a beautiful summer morning, a perfect day for what I wanted to do. I could hear her sleepily getting up in the next room. We didnt sleep in the same bed for reasons of comfort she just had to have her own space. I wanted her to hurry up. Women always took so long getting ready. The weather forecaster had lied about todays weather. He said it would be cloudy with a chance of rain maybe even a thunderstorm. The sky is clear today with not a rain cloud in the sky. I really wanted to do this. I was ready to do this.
It was afternoon by the time she was fully ready and trying to figure where we were going and what we were going to do. I hope that I really remember this place and how to get there. It had been so long since I had been there but I had the picture, old and frayed at the edges folded up and tucked firmly into my pocket. I was trying to remember who had taken it but my memory failed me. My memories were interrupted by her asking me questions but I drove on partially because I wanted it to be a surprise and partially because I really didnt know where we were going. I just knew that it was a place from my childhood that I just had to visit again. I just had to see it. I had to make sure that it actually existed. It had to, nothing could ruin this occasion. This was going to be the best day of my life.
I had found it! It seemed just like in the picture and in my memories totally untouched and preserved. The flowers were blooming and stuck straight out of the dark green grass in shades of purple, pink, and white. The iron bridge was just as the picture showed it was although it was a little smaller. It twisted and curved in a zigzag path over a turquoise pond that was just teeming with life. I took her hand and led her over that bridge off into the great beyond. My target was that big tree in the distance. She was amazed at how beautiful this place was and kept looking around trying to soak up its beauty. She was confused. She did not know why she was here or why I would know such a place.
I led her to the base of the tree and I climbed it to the second highest branch from the ground and I extended my hand. She wouldnt take it. She said her life was happier on the ground. I couldnt let that ruin my day. I had to get her up there, so after a lot of pleading I finally was able to pull her up there and then we climbed higher. The fear in her eyes made her look so beautiful in the setting sun. It was then when I said her full name: Serena Rae Mirashi Id never forget it and asked her to marry me while slipping the ring on her finger. I waited anxiously for her answer but in her excitement she pushed me off the branch we were sitting on. She tried to catch me as I was falling, falling toward the ground.














Critiques
1. We didn't sleep in the same bed for reasons of comfort. She just had to have her own space.
2. It had been so long since I had been there, but I had the picture, old and frayed at the edges, folded up and...
3. ...by her asking me questions, but I drove on...
4. It was then when I said her full name: Serena Rae Mirashi. I'd never forget it and asked her to marry me while...
Those are the only big grammar things that stuck out to me, since you know me and know that I don't really notice the subtle grammatical things.
For what's here, this is actually really good. I remember working on part of this with you on MSN, and you really did do a good job writing it. It would be nice to have it expanded a bit.
If you want comments on characterization, you did a pretty good job with her, especially since she's being viewed from Niku's perspective, which is why it makes sense for her to seem a little nicer. You remember how cold she was at the beginning and at the end, after all.
Hope this helps...
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